How To Be Australian: by (name removed)

Attention non-whites and new arrivals! Acclaimed academic and sociologist (name removed) has defined just how to fit into Australian society for you! No more wasting your time on holding on to any of your inferior cultures, no. Buy (name removed)’s book today and find out just how to act in order to be a real Australian, short of having white skin of course.

Note: This list was created in response to the Cronulla riots apparently. Somehow. No, we’re not really sure what the relevance is either… But read on:

• ‘u (sic) can speak english (sic)’: As long as it’s poorly spelled, and omits basic grammar functions and punctuation, you’ll be accepted. Don’t dare use capital letters or words longer than two syllables though – that’s highly unAustralian;
• ‘you don’t walk around in mobs’: Only white Anglo Aussies are allowed to walk around with their male friends wolf whistling females and shouting abuse at non-whites;
• ‘your race aren’t all generally bad at the same thing… e.g. drivin (sic).. everyone knows who that is’: Yeah… Stupid poor driving Swedes. Jeez they’re so unAustralian. They don’t know how to drive at all. Good drivers will buy bogan V8 utes, drop them on cheap rims, amplify their exhausts and sit a few small metres from the tail of your car in both high and low speed zones, swerving maniacally in and out of lanes in order to save a few minutes off their trip;
• ‘don’t smell like arse’: If you want to be considered Australian, you can’t smell like arse, but it’s perfectly acceptable to fucking reek of sweat and B.O after a long day working as any number of things – plumbers, carpenters, painters, bus drivers, shelve packers, brickies etc. These proud Australians don’t bother showering, nor do they bother with deodorant. Deodorant is for sheilas;
• ‘use normal toilets’: Such as taking a dump in a hotel corridor or pissing up against anything public and sturdy, such as pub walls or trees in children’s playgrounds;
• ‘don’t partake in honour killings’: Unless you are a member of the Bra Boys, or the Williams/Moran family, or a bikie. Then it is completely acceptable;
• ‘don’t sniff petrol’: Well this is just obvious. As if anyone with a job and self respect would do something like this. As if anyone who had lived a life where their parents or grandparents hadn’t been killed or forcibly removed from the families or been the victims of extreme independent and institutionalised racism would ever act in such a way..;
• ‘you eat food from your country other than your own’: Sure this doesn’t make grammatical sense, but it’s obvious what point is trying to be portrayed here – eat a strict diet of lamingtons, pavlova and ANZAC biscuits or get the fuck out of the country. They are the only foods to have been developed in Australia, and it’s completely unAustralian to eat anything other than these staples;
• ‘you can wear a bluey and not look like a faggot’: Because when you try and go for that mining/construction look by donning a wool/felt jacket, you’re not being pretentious at all. And as a rule of thumb – never be gay. It’s completely unAustralian.
• ‘you drink a bloody beer’: But remember – it’s completely unAustralian not to have at least fifteen and then go home and beat your wife and piss on the lounge.