How to restore Australia to its former glory

Daily Life
September 20, 2013 – 6:31AM

Clementine Ford

One-woman cabinet: PM Tony Abbott has announced he will take personal responsibility for women’s issues. Photo: Andrew Meares

It’s been almost two weeks since Tony Abbott stood before the nation, the proud winner of So You Think You Can Prime Minister? Now that the votes have been counted, the confetti swept up and the virginal dresses of his support crew sent off to the dry cleaners, it’s time to get down to business.

Part of what endeared Abbott to the viewers was his fondness for three word slogans that appear easy to understand but on closer inspection actually reveal nothing. And so, Tones has pledged to ‘cut the fat’, which in Prime Ministerial speak means, ‘fire a crapload of people’. Don’t worry though, they’re only public servants and everyone knows they don’t deserve jobs.

Where else would a good Prime Ministerial victor start with simplifying things but with the Ministries, with their overblown titles and ‘goal setting’? Australians don’t want all those bloody words filling up their heads. We’re a simple folk. We like beer, football and boobs in that order and we don’t care to analyse it. Tones knows this, which is why we can now proudly face the world and show off the fact we no longer have a Minister for Science, but we’ve still got one for Sport. ‘Straya!

Tony Abbott speaking at the Singleton Rugby Club luncheon. Photo: Phil Hearne

Personally, I don’t reckon Old Mate PM’s gone far enough on this though. Don’t get me wrong – I support cutting namby pamby portfolios about things like ‘climate change’ (more like cLIEmate change, am I right?) and ‘mental health’. In my day, people just got on with things. Sure, they may have been miserably depressed and consumed by the Darkness That Knows No Form, but they didn’t bloody well have to whinge about it all the time like a bloody whoopsie. Gay.

But I reckon there’s room to add a couple of things. You know, restore Australia to its former glory – to a time when white, heterosexual men of privilege didn’t have to be afraid to speak their minds, or apologise for giving the tea lady an affectionate swat on the bottom and telling her you like her muffins. By all means, trim the fat of wasteful rubbish like ‘saving the environment’ (you gotta build out to grow up, people!) but let’s consider honouring some of the following by giving them their own portfolios.

1. Ministry for Ironing and Cleaning

Those people who accuse Tones of not getting women need to do their bloody research, mate. Tony loves women, which is why he so famously expressed concern for how the carbon tax would drive up their electricity bills what with all that ironing we’re always doing. Oh, and you feminazis will shriek and squeal all you like, but we all know that you’re just bitter that you don’t have a man to iron shirts for. Because men and women are different, see? It doesn’t mean they’re not equal – but women are probably better suited to things like physiotherapy and housework, while men are suited to running things. That’s why the Minister for Ironing and Cleaning has to be a man – because they delegate. And they’re good with numbers, so they can help you add up all of the collars you still have left to do.

2. Ministry for Mateship

Nothing spells A-U-S-T-R-A-L-I-A better than M-A-T-E-S-H-I-P. We love our mates here, but not in that way. The Ministry for Mateship would celebrate all of the beautiful friendship that’s characterised by the good old Aussie larrikin spirit. Like masculinised mythology, and men’s only sporting leagues with their men’s only pay checks. The Ministry for Mateship recognises that part of what makes Australia great is how feverishly it embraces alcoholic male bonding. Let’s bring back foxy boxing and jelly wrestling, gentlemen’s only networking clubs and socially acceptable group sex in which there’s only one woman and no one talks to her! It’s mateship, mate. Because you can’t spell friendships without ‘pissed’.

3. Ministry for Marriage

Real marriage, I mean. Not that other ‘fashionable’ marriage. The gay kind where no one knows who’s the man or who’s the woman. How can you get married if you don’t know which one’s supposed to throw the bouquet? No, the Ministry for Marriage would make it easier [read: harder] to get out of love contracts once you’ve made the mistake of getting into them. God created marriage so that men could come home at the end of the day to a clean house and scotch, and a piping hot dinner on the table when he’s ready for it. He didn’t create marriage so that women could keep their own names and insist on working even though they’ve already achieved their life’s goal of procreating. All this freedom puts funny ideas into women’s heads, and as a delicate species they’re not properly equipped to handle the pressures of the world at large. It’s because they’re physiologically different, see. Anyway, the Ministry for Marriage would put a stop to all that rubbish. Headed up by Barnaby Joyce (who knows that marriage offers the best protection to women, against what I’m not particularly sure but that’s Barns for you), the Ministry for Marriage is the first step to fixing Australia and sending it back to the good old days of 1956.

Which is a handy coincidence, given that the newly appointed Minister for Sport is back there too, busily preparing for the upcoming Melbourne Olympics.

Good thing Abbott’s building all those roads. Cars! It’s the future!

Election special No 7 – $200 each! Coalition to fund straight couples

This election we have eagerly been awaiting yet more socially regressive policies from the major parties. This one however had slipped under the radar until the folk at Same same drew our attention to it.

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Tony Abbott’s Coalition isn’t just against giving same-sex couples the right to marry, they’re also promising they’ll give heterosexual marriages a helping hand to the tune of a $200 voucher each.

On the Australian Christian Lobby’s Australia Votes guide to the election, the Liberal National Coalition was asked: “What will your party do to encourage marriage and resilience in couple relationships?”

Here’s the surprising response: “The Coalition will provide a $200 voucher to all couples when they register their intention to marry, which will be redeemable on an approved marriage education, counselling or parenting skills service.

“Couples can use this voucher before or after their wedding to choose the service that best suits their needs, be it one which assists in developing communication skills, conflict resolution, financial management, parenting skills, or for counselling services if problems arise in a marriage.”

“The Coalition will provide a $200 voucher to all couples when they register their intention to marry.”

While the Coalition’s refusal to support marriage equality leaves same-sex families with kids out in the cold, they add: “The Coalition, if elected, will place a greater emphasis on prevention and early intervention as a means of ameliorating the negative consequences of poverty, family dysfunction and social exclusion.”

They also reiterated their stance on marriage: “The Coalition policy supports the current definition of marriage contained in the Marriage Act.”

“Any change to the policy would be a matter for the Party Room in the future, as is the case with all policies,” their response added, concluding: “Tony Abbott supports the existing definition of marriage.”

The Australian Labor Party’s policy on the increasingly uncontroversial issue is also well known, and reiterated on the ACL’s website:

“The Rudd Labor Government believes that all people are entitled to respect, dignity and the opportunity to participate fully in society regardless of their sexuality.

“When the issue of same sex marriage has previously been considered by Parliament, Federal Labor has allowed each MP and Senator a conscience vote according to their own personal views.

“This reflects the fact that people of good will can hold different positions on this fundamental matter.”

Same Same has sought confirmation from the Liberal Party on their marriage voucher policy, and will update this story if/when we hear back.

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This policy, as well as being highly discriminatory towards not only same sex couples but also to hundreds of thousands of men and women in de facto relationships, many of which are of long standing and are legally recognised to all intents and purposes as equivalent to marriage, assumes that these “marriage preparation” courses actually deliver the goods in terms of preserving relationships and lowering the rate of divorce.

However no valid objective peer-reviewed data has ever been available to support that notion

Since it is a project of the mad mullahs at the ACL, do atheists and other non-believers, or non-Christians for that matter, have to sign up?

Do celebrants have to hand out the voucher or will it be available from your local Coalition MP’s office?

And is it available for straight couples entering their second, third or subsequent marriages? Some MPs may be personally interested in that.

The Antibogan would probably prefer a new microwave. 😉

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The APP grapples sweatily with same-sex marriage

On very rare occasions the Australian Pathetic Protectionist Party moves away from vilifying Muslims and ponderously chews over other issues.

Failed serial political candidate Nicky Folkes is bursting with excitement about a new petition he has found to sign.

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Leaving aside the fact that the Labor National Conference delegates are unlikely to take any notice of him and his micro-party and with  his newly-discovered aptitude for theology Nicky then breathlessly informs the masses that the PM is possessed by the devil. We hope he has let the Labor Party know.

But wait!  APP stalwart Anna Dean dares to disagree with Nicky. Not only does she dare to disagree with Nicky she makes an intelligent observation while doing so.

Sadly this amazing event lasts a mere nanosecond as Christian soldier Harry Grech wades in, tells Anna to shut up  and treats fellow party members to his deeply intimate knowledge of same sex relationships.

In fact the only concession to compassion Harry the Hero will make is that he wants little kids to stop getting their heads twisted – something they have no doubt learnt from the APP.

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Speaking of twisted heads, let’s go back to Nicky. After making a blanket statement about the Liberal Party which is not quite true (a controlling faction of the party is against same sex marriage, its leader has confessed he is “scared” of gays, but a considerable number of individual Coalition politicians are not), in order to maintain control  he then asks Anna a completely pointless question. Nicky then conflates same sex marriage with “the destruction of the family unit” and of course drags in his favourite political scapegoats, the Greens.

And Nicky, by the way we happen to think that a compassionate, decent, intelligent and tolerant Bob Brown would be a much better father to anyone’s kids than would just about any member of an intolerant racist misogynist white exceptionalist party like the Pathetics.

But there’s more. Enter the APP’s own sexpert Bec Atkins, accompanied by Dirty Harry, to add their 5c worth of mythology.

Bec is rather keen on this “species furthering” stuff. Maybe she’s trying to get a one-woman membership drive going for the Pathetics?  Maybe Bec should take up dog-breeding?

Nick Folkes chimes in

Err…hate to tell you this Nicky but “marriage” is not thousands of years old – not for the general population. Women (and to some extent men) were barter objects used by wealthy and/or powerful parents to cement alliances, ensure dynastic continuity and safeguard financial and property assets. People of the non-monied classes simply co-habited with the person they chose, or in the case of poor women, were abducted, or in the case of slave women, were often made part of a wealthy man’s harem. Their fates are not recorded.

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Now grizzled veteran Jean Gilmour enters the fray. Jodie Smith is another one who is offering intelligent and reasoned opinions and Jean is here to put a stop to all that nonsense.

Then having put that unruly gel in her place, Jean climbs her personal Mt Sinai, assumes prophetic mode and declaims

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 Imagine, a far right misogynist homophobic party with absolutist religious foundations. Do the Pathetics have a real Hizbollah thing happening there?